


You Can't Put You Arms Arround A Memory

by stuckyinlove



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Car Accidents, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Ice Cream, Loss of Limbs, Love Confessions, M/M, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-22 19:00:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4846703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuckyinlove/pseuds/stuckyinlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Does that speech really mean to you, Steve?” Bucky whispered and sat down on Steve’s bed. Correction, on Steve and Peggy’s bed.</p><p>“Yeah, it does.” Steve said under his breath. “I love you and I want your blessing for what I’m going to do.”</p><p>“I’m you best man, you asshole.” Steve smirked at his words. “Of course you got my blessing to be happy.”</p><p>Steve’s happiness. That was the reason why he hadn’t wanted to have a speech at first place. Because Steve deserved to be happy and Bucky had no place at taking that away from him. Bucky always fucks up, of course he’ll say something like “I’m in love with you” at his friend’s wedding. And because he should’ve told that to Steve years </p><p> </p><p>or the one where Bucky is deseperately in love with Steve and Steve's getting married in 3 days</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can't Put You Arms Arround A Memory

**Author's Note:**

> This is my third fanfic so I hope you'll like it. It turned nothing like what I wanted, but I'm just content with this.
> 
>  
> 
> if you have any questions or really, you just want to talk, my tumblr is guardiansof-stucky
> 
> thanks :)

Steve Rogers had known Bucky Barnes his whole life. So when one April night Bucky comes crushing through his bedroom window, Steve isn’t surprised at all.

 

Maybe it should be weird now that they weren’t kids and Steve was living with his fiancé, in few days even a wife, but it wasn’t.

 

Peggy was stuck at work and so Steve was alone and he was drawing skyline of Brooklyn, just what it looked like in early mornings and he didn't really bother to look up at Bucky, who was angrily walking around his bedroom.

 

„Not that I don't want to do it, but it's stupid. Isn't it?” Bucky's voice was shaking with anger. The sort of anger only his beloved friend Natasha could get out of him. “Tell me it’s stupid.”

 

„It's stupid,“ Steve nonchalantly said and continued shadowing one of the buildings beneath the sunrise.

 

“Buddy, you’re not even listening,” Bucky tapped Steve’s shoulder so now Steve had to look up at him, “listen to me.”

 

“Buck, you really want to hear my opinion on this?” Bucky nodded so Steve let himself continue, not tearing his gaze away from Bucky’s eyes. _God, Steve had such beautiful eyes_. “I think that it isn’t dumb at all. And I told her to make you have a speech because I know you’re not listening to me and neither to Sam nor Clint. And I have no idea why because you’re my best friend, you’re supposed to make a speech at my wedding. So apologize to Nat.”

 

At Steve’s words, Bucky felt as if somebody kicked him in his chest. In his dumb crazy in love heart. Steve should known better than talking to Natasha behind his back. Hell, Bucky knew that Steve really wasn’t the kind of person who played dirty tricks under the table. He was straightforward and honest and when they played even as little kids, Bucky always won because it was Bucky who cheated.

 

“Does that speech really mean to you, Steve?” Bucky whispered and sat down on Steve’s bed. _Correction, on Steve and Peggy’s bed._

 

“Yeah, it does.” Steve said under his breath. “I love you and I want your blessing for what I’m going to do.”

 

“I’m you best man, you asshole.” Steve smirked at his words. “Of course you got my blessing to be happy.”

 

Steve’s happiness. That was the reason why he hadn’t wanted to have a speech at first place. Because Steve deserved to be happy and Bucky had no place at taking that away from him. Bucky always fucks up, of course he’ll say something like “ _I’m in love with you_ ” at his friend’s wedding. And because he should’ve told that to Steve years ago and not feel like the biggest asshole two days before Steve’s wedding day. What kind of friend has a crush on the other friend?

 

Bucky really hated himself for feeling so heartbroken. He had no right at all to feel sad about everything. Peggy was a good girl for Steve, the best really, and all Bucky had do to was make a speech about how he wished them nothing but the best, all shiny and happy looking while doing so, and ignore his heart tearing into pieces with every second he’d spend glancing over them.

 

“You’d make the best speech, Bucky,” Steve softly smiled at him and pulled his chair closer to Bucky. “Don’t ever doubt that.”

 

 _I’m not doubting that, for fuck’s sake, I am a great public speaker,_ he thought but kept silent. He shook it off and let out a breath that he’d been holding for a while before looking back at Steve.

 

But is there any way Bucky could pull himself together and just for a moment there, pretend that he Is happy with how things are, and look at Steve – _fuck you, Rogers, you beautiful punk –_ and tell him that it’s okay. Really, it’s okay. He’s got it handled.

 

But as soon as Steve put his gentle palm on Bucky’s cheek, Bucky wasn’t okay.

 

“I know something’s up with you,” Steve was whispering it as if that was a secret, “but I want you to trust me and tell me because, Buck, I am so done with trying to figure you out.”

 

 _Ouch, that now hurt._ Not that he expected anything from Steve, but Steve never gave up and he can’t just now do that, not with Bucky. Steve once got beat up defending the guy who decided ice cream should taste like green tea ( _“What do you know about ice cream flavours, Rogers? The man behind idea of having ice cream taste like dinosaur puke was even dumber than you!”_ ) and he still would, so Bucky couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed that everything was more important to his friend that him.

 

Hell, a little disappointed doesn’t even start to cover the crashing sound his brain heard at the moment.

 

“You don’t have to figure me out, Steve.” Bucky swore to himself that he never thought he’d have this coarse tone towards Steve. “I am done with you and all this shit.” He got to his feet. “You know what? I’m not even attending your wedding at first place, you asshole.”

 

He stormed out the door which felt weird. He had used his least bit of control not to slam the door at shocked Steve just to keep that little of dignity he had left before showing his teenage boy manners. Well, that was a strange mood swing.

 

“Tell me you’re kidding, Buck!” He heard Steve’s cracked voice from the bedroom, but he ignored it.

 

He’s not confessing anything to Steve. Not now. And not ever. If there was even a time to tell something like that, it had long passed. And this pang he now felt was insurmountable. Not only that at this point he even cares about his heart, but Steve. Steve who would never be so childish.

 

If it had been reverse situation, Steve would never hurt Bucky like this.

 

So he’s not doing this now. Not that he has any dignity left after what he said to only person who respected him.

 

And just as Bucky turned around to go back to house and try to make thing up with Steve, he saw Peggy’s car pull up in driveway and he just cowardly left.

 

* * *

 

 

Next day, when he woke up was when he realized what of an asshole he was. Sure, Steve wasn’t helping either, but you don’t just cancel being the best man three days before.

 

So two days before you try to gain back that honour by sucking it up and buying your friend the shittiest flavoured ice cream ever (seriously, what’s the deal about green tea) so they pretend to forgive you just because no one wants to be holding any grudges as they say _“I do”_.

 

Thank God Peggy’s car wasn’t there, because Bucky would puke and back out if that were the case.

 

So he knocked on the door only to remember that there is a bell and this is no longer the crappiest apartment ever that him and Steve had shared while in Brooklyn. So he ringed the bell and waited.

 

The doors opened and Steve’s blonde head popped out, “Buck?”

 

_Why the hell was he so happy?  
_

 

“I was just waiting for you.” He chuckled. “I knew you couldn’t stay mad at me forever and we have to pick up our suits.”

 

 _Fuck_ , the bastard was acting happy and shiny as if Bucky couldn’t read him. He knew just the difference between happy Steve and about-to-snap-at-someone happy Steve, it just took the little practice at reading the way he moved his eyebrows as he spoke. _Fuck it_ – he thought – _if this is what other friends casually notice_.

 

So he just rested his palm on Steve’s muscled shoulder remembering what it felt like to touch it while they were kids. The height difference sure has changed, but the fond glances haven’t at all.

 

“Sit, punk.” Bucky half-ordered and they sat on ugliest couch Bucky ever lied eyes on, to be honest. Of course Steve had picked it out.

 

“Hey, we’re forgetting the thing from last night,” the bastard’s eyes were shining blue as if someone trapped the ocean inside, “whatever that it was.”

 

“No, we’re aren’t, because, to be frank, Steve” – _I am madly in love with your inconsiderate ass._ “I don’t see future when I look at our friendship.”

 

Steve has raised his hand to protest, his cheeks burning red but Bucky couldn’t stop now. “When one friend is in love with the other, the shit is bound to go down the drain eventually.”

 

Steve’s cheeks were bright red now as he swallowed hard whatever it was in his throat – _fuck, he wanted him so bad as he licked those rosy lips_ – and he sunk down into couch.

 

Bucky had almost forgot the bag he’d been holding the whole time with probably dissolved ice cream and handed it to Steve. He’d just confessed something, at least he expected a little more of reaction.

 

Not that kicked puppy reaction so he should at least offer something to cheer his pal up.

 

“I don’t need your charity, Buck.” Steve ignored the ice cream and now he had no idea what the blonde’s talking about.

 

“I know I surprised you, but here –“ Bucky tried his best to smile. “the green tea shit ice cream that you’re so fond of.”

 

“You decide to tell me two days before my wedding that you know-“ why is idiot still talking, Bucky glanced at Steve who just wouldn’t take the damn bag, “that you know I’m in love with you?” Steve swallowed and Bucky looked up at his teary blue eyes and God, is that what Steve had felt too, because now Bucky could just kiss him and they’d all be just fine.

 

“I was not aiming at that but fuck, Steve, if that’s how you feel, too…” He just wouldn’t finish. There’s no way to finish it but to finally throw that bag on floor and draw himself closer to Steve and hold Steve’s palms that were resting on his lap and brush his thumbs against Steve’s knuckles and just try to maybe even kiss him.

 

So he did exactly that and he really went for the kiss – he even bend his head a little after their noses brushed and he took in Steve’s breath that tasted just like he imagined and it was a perfect kiss, he knew. By the moment their lips collided and how they moved and then parted open just to give a little sensuality to it. It continued to be perfect kiss when Steve was biting Bucky’s bottom lip and Bucky was softly moaning into his mouth.

 

And well, no kiss that perfect should end so soon but it has. Steve backed away, wresting his palms away from Bucky’s firm hold and he backed away a little because they both needed some space to breathe.

 

“I am getting married, Bucky!” Steve looked like he was screaming, but really, words that came out of his mouth sounded like a cry for help.

 

“You don’t have to!” Bucky rose to his feet and brushed something off his lap, not quite sure what. “You asshole, you just said-“

 

“C’mon, Buck. I’m not hurting Peggy just so us two could try something.” Steve looked even more offended than Bucky as he tried to steady himself in front of Bucky.

 

“Right, so you’re hurting everyone then. Not just her but fucking everyone, her included.” Bucky never heard himself yell so angry at someone. And it wasn’t even anger that was bottled up inside him.

 

“You idiot, if we had any chance, don’t you think either one of us wouldn’t have tried this like, I don’t know, a decade ago?” There, he had a point. And that was more of a point that what Bucky had prepared about soulmates and shitty destiny that pulled them together in the first place nor Bucky would now start rambling about how much his heart ached for Steve.

 

 

_No._

 

Instead, he has shoved Steve off, slight kick to his chest, but really, Steve let himself move although he was stronger than that. And Bucky wouldn’t just let that rest. No, instead he shoved Steve even harder, now testing his patience. And when Steve backed away, Bucky realized he was picking a fight and he tried to shove him one more time.

 

Steve took Bucky’s wrists and whispered “Just leave, Buck” and then Bucky left and that was it.

 

His heart was now definitely not okay and his head was spinning but he left Steve to make the biggest mistake of his life when really, really he wished he hasn’t.

 

 

* * *

 

It took Bucky one night spent in his car on the street outside of an apartment in Brooklyn that Steve and him once had shared before he could force himself to stop crying. _God_ , that wasn’t even crying. He was just breathing out warm air and his cheeks and jaw were numb from all the muted moans and fuck – was this headache even real, not to even begin on describing his scratching throat. It wasn’t even a heartbreak that had hurt him half as much as his head right now, but a masochist he is, he wouldn’t just leave the car and get his shit together.

 

Instead he turned the car on and started driving. Fuck, what a terrible idea, he couldn’t even see clear and he sure as hell couldn’t breathe right, he didn’t even know where he headed –

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky felt someone brushing his knuckles, _Jesus_ , he breathed and it hurt so he held in his breath but that hurt, too.

 

And he shut his eyes even tighter, although he knew they were closed.

 

 _That was the mistake_ , he remembers thinking, as brushing stopped and his knuckles felt empty and his whole body felt empty. So he reached for the warm hand that had been touching him and opened his eyes only to meet Steve’s bright blue eyes staring down at him.

 

“Punk.” Bucky smiled softly at his friend and loosened his grip around Steve’s wrist.

 

“Jerk, you decide to wake up after spending two days sleeping.” The blonde chuckled and rested his other palm on Bucky’s face. “I missed you.”

 

That’s when Bucky absorbed that his friend was in suit, looking immaculate as nothing he’d ever seen and that it would be Steve’s wedding day now, wouldn’t it? Two days he spent sleeping and last thing he remembered was – no, that’s wrong, he spent the night crying in his car. And now this was day after Steve’s wedding day and he was still in suit, touching Bucky – _it felt really good_ – and smiling so bright like Bucky was his sun.

 

“S-Steve?” Bucky tried to push himself up, but he couldn’t. One arm pushed him up and the other side just fell back and Steve got to his feet, both palms holding Bucky’s face so Bucky couldn’t look down.

 

“Buck, stay still.” Steve gave him a reassuring smile and turned away for just a moment to yell – _doctor_ – an then he looked straight into Bucky’s eyes, “I love you so much, Buck. So much. Okay? Do you know that? Do you know that you have me, no matter what?”

 

_God, this guy._

 

“Steve, you made it clear that you-“ he tried to fight and free himself from Steve, but that wasn’t possible.

 

“Shh, no, I know what I said but I am saying this now, Buck.” Steve leaned in to lay a firm kiss on Bucky’s forehead, giving him the space to look down.

 

There was no left arm. Right side, arm’s there. Left side, _no arm._ He felt panic burn inside him, some unhuman strength as he wrestled against Steve’s touch and shakingly kept staring at where his arms had been just moment before – or he thought it had been.

 

Steve being Steve brought his hands back on Bucky’s face and started brushing away his tears (Jesus, he hasn’t even noticed he’d been crying) and he pulled him into a tight hug, giving him no space to move.

 

But Bucky couldn’t stop his body from wincing as he was letting Steve hug him. He was just hoping he could close his eyes and open them again and see that Steve was still there but instead they were in their bed, naked, with both of Bucky’s arms embracing Steve. So he tried. And he shut his eyes closed again and opened them and they were in hospital, Steve was comforting him and he had no arm and Steve was possibly married to Peggy Carter who as amazing as she is, didn’t even know how much someone could love Steve.

 

“Are you saying you love me just because I have lost everything – you, my best friend and possibly my soulmate even though I’m not yours, and last bit of my dignity, and my fucking left arm, Steve, are you saying me you love me because I have nothing and you think you’ll make me feel better – “

 

Steve backed away from Bucky just enough to give him quick kiss on lips and then look back and Bucky’s eyes.

 

“God, I should’ve made you stop talking like fourty dumb words ago.” Steve gave him a small smile, more of a wince. “I am saying I love you because I really do love you, Buck.”

 

“Stevie, you don’t have to say that just because I’m miserable.” Steve kissed him again, this time his left cheek.

 

“We will be miserable together for a little bit,” kiss on right cheek, “and then we,” kiss on nose, “will be happy together”, kiss on chin, “for much longer,” kiss on his jaw, “and we will still have some miserable moments”, kiss on top of his head, “but we will be happy because we’ll share those moments. And you know that pain splits in half when you share it. And happiness doubles. And that is so cheesy and cliché and all but I love you and that’s true.”

 

“Just continue kissing me.” Was all Bucky said and Steve listened and gave him more kisses all over his numb face. “And keep talking while you do so.”

 

“Bossy? Is that how you’re gonna be in bed, huh? I think I could take that, but hey, remember when we played war as kids, I was Captain, right? So I will be giving orders just for a little bit until you’re okay enough so we can go home and see about the things we’ll be doing in bed.” Steve hasn’t stop kissed him and over his shoulder, Bucky saw that doctor that Steve had called for was about to get in but the man saw it was fine so he smiled at Bucky and left. “And oh, I can’t wait for us to go back to our crappy apartment. You know, I will have to bring some of my stuff back, but remember how we decided to keep some things there and bring them to new house after wedding? Yeah, I think that was because we both had known I couldn’t leave you alone, right? Fuck, I think we’ll be so happy. And Tony Stark is a genius, he’ll figure something out for you, make a real cool robotic arm. You like that shit, don’t you? You science nerd.”

 

Bucky felt his cheeks had gone numb from all the grinning but he just couldn’t stop with Steve talking to him and kissing all over him.

 

_And it was as Steve had told it would be._


End file.
